Getting older

I believe that most people often wish they could go back to the days when worries were so simple.  The days when you thought it was the end of the world simply because you were put on punishment and couldn't watch your favorite show before going to bed.  Or the days when you just knew you would be punished for a low score, or not cleaning your room, or something that you look at now as trivial.  I miss those days so much, and did not appreciate them at all when I was actually living them. The funny thing is I still remember my mom telling me that I would.  And I would swear that she didn't know what she was talking about.  I just wanted to grow up, and be able to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.  Now that I'm of age, I still see so many boundaries, in fact maybe more.  Then my only boundary was really my age, now there's previous obligations, deadlines, and most importantly COST.  By cost, I'm not just talking money.  I'm referring to all of the opportunity costs.  I'm just looking at the things that I give up on the daily basis to achieve things that I feel are important, and beneficial.  I can honestly say that I've taken the scenic route when it comes to my college career, but truthfully, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.  I just have to remind myself that I will get what I deserve in due time.  


Although I do wish sometimes that simplicity was right around the corner. I miss the days of lying in my mom's bed when I was ill, or going to my 'Big Ma' to look at old pictures, or knowing that tomorrow everything was going to be ok, etc.  Now, it seems that life is filled with so many uncertainties.  Simplicity is now a distant st ranger.  

I bet it shows

I bet it shows
How I can't recall much of anything before we met.
I bet it shows 
How what we share I could never forget.
I bet it shows 
When we kiss how much I wish it could last forever.
I bet it shows 
When I smile that in this life I'd leave you, never.
I bet it shows
In the stars that we were destined to be.
I bet it shows
In my heart that you were made for me.
I bet it shows 
That I have never been in love like this before.
I bet it shows
That all my life I could wish for nothing more.

Hmm...

Men, men, they play with your heart.
The more that you trust them...


Enough said!

Sidewalk Stranger

on his last leg
what did he say to those that passed?
did he look up for help,
or did he quietly pass along?
so desperate is he 
the quite stranger, always ignored.
can you tell me how he got here,
why is it that he has nowhere to go?
i remember him walking 
where, i cannot say.
he looked as if he had a plan
but what could it be?
i imagine...
him to be someone's father, 
someone that may have lost his way,
maybe someone's friend,
but definitely someone's son.

One month later...

I've been away for a while, but I've been very productive.  I've written a few mini-masterpieces (LOL), worked on my portfolio, and made some changes in my personal life.  I will not go on another hiatus! I am absolutely determined to to keep everything posted, even if it kills me.  Well, I hope it doesn't kill me,  but here goes...


Random thought:  How is it possible for me to hate about you the same thing that made me fall for you?  

Anticipation...

I've been so busy lately tightening a few loose ends. Up until this point, I was wondering when things would come together for me, and they have! This past week was amazing! I received good news regarding school, and my life in general. All I can say is there's definitely more to come in the near future.

One Third

unforTunately you'll never understand how much you meant to me
you'll never know how much I cared, at that time
you will never understand how I thought the sun rose and set on you
and that you are a third of why I wrote this rhyme.


~I trashed the T~


unluCkily I bumped into you, placing my hopes on something hopeless
although I tried to give you all of my patience and my time
you thought my efforts at encouraging you were cynical
but obviously you meant enough to me to be a third of this rhyme


~I curbed the C~


Truly you have to understand how much you mean to me
how much of an impact you've made in such a short time
my feelings for you are blatant, something I can't deny
you are what I've always wanted, the finale to my rhyme 


~I am forever taken by my new T~

On Vacay

I think I've figured out something about pedals that is actually revolutionary: I'm a sad writer. Ok, well maybe I'll have to explain. I've been writing for years and the one thing that most of the pieces have in common is that they are sad in nature. I've just realized that when I'm the happiest I've ever been, I seldom speak on it. I assume that this is simply the fact that I'm distracted. I'll be back soon...

To my cousin...

I can't believe it's been two years already. I find myself unable to fall asleep thinking of what today really is. I have been thinking of you so much these last few days. Thinking of how you called me days before the surgery to talk about plans you had for the future, including plans to start a family at 27. I just find it so hard to accept that God had other plans for you. I know that our plans come secondary to God's, but I don't understand how he could've taken you from us.
I remember your kindergarten graduation like it was yesterday. I cried like a baby over the fact that you were leaving me behind. You never let me forget it either! Who knows how many times you reminded me of that day. I remember our dads coming in really late one 4th of July and waking us up so that they could show us how not to do fireworks!
I can't type these memories without shedding tears. I miss you so much! I miss seeing you smile everytime you came around. I can't think of a single time seeing you angry. You were always so cheerful, sometimes saying the weirdest things.
When you had the stroke and I came to the hospital to visit you, I knew it was serious, but I was more thinking of the fact that you were young and would bounce back. The whole tome I'm visiting with, and in subsequent conversations, I'm pushing for you to get the surgery. I remember you telling me that you were scared, but I just knew that was the cure-all. I can't help but think that you knew something that we didn't, and that you wanted another year or so with us.
I could go on forever but what I really want to express is how much I love you and miss you!

Renewal

As of today is to strive to be the best me that I can be. I am going after the impossible and striving for nothing less than perfection. I want to be the woman that I know I am capable of being. I want to be the complete package in anyone's eyes when they see me.


Give me some time and I'll become a butterfly.

Blah...

Lately I'm having trouble determining what really matters, aside from the obvious of course.  Life has gone nothing like I planned for it to go immediately following my high school graduation.  I never dreamed that I would be one of the girls to had a child out of wedlock, but I did.  I never dreamed that I would make such poor relationship choices, but I have.  I would never have guessed that I would not have earned a degree of some sort by now, but I haven't.  In my life I've made so many left turns that sometimes I sometimes question the purpose of it all.  Will there be some huge prize for me once it's all over, or will it all be for nothing other than the amusement of others?  I try to remember that failure isn't an option, but what exactly am I trying to accomplish?  Really, what's the purpose?  I get a degree, get into my career, (maybe get married), and work until I eventually retire?  Then what?

I guess I'm just having an interesting week.  Maybe I'll be a little bit more optimistic tomorrow. 

Simple Fix

I guess it's only fair to say that no one told me life would be easy.  In my defense, no one told me that life would be so hard. 


I never thought that I would have people in my life that I would consider friends, and more, only to lose them over lies.  To start, I have no respect for liars.  Furthermore, I despise any coward that lies on me.  I look at it this way, if someone can fabricate any lie about you to get your name in trash, that's a person that you most definitely shouldn't be around.  Lying takes effort.  Although it may not always require a lot of effort, it still means that someone thought you were important enough to create some bs story about you, and reveal it.  This person is a snake in the grass- waiting to attack you at any point, inject you with its venom, and leave you for dead.  


There is one solution to the liar's game: Point them out every time, but never run away from them.  Look the liar dead in his face, and squash him!  


There is a liar somewhere very close to you right now, and unfortunately there always will be.  You may not associate with him, but he is fairly familiar with you.  Unfortunately for the liar, he doesn't know you at all.  If he had, he would have hear about your Simple Fix and kept your name out of his mouth!


"The trouble with lying and deceiving is that their efficiency depends entirely upon a clear notion of the truth that the liar and deceiver wishes to hide. In this sense, truth, even if it does not prevail in public, possesses an ineradicable primacy over
all falsehoods." ~ Hannah Arendt

Feelings...

What is this feeling that I can't explain?
This feeling, that I'm feeling you so hard.
Is this really love, or am I just insane?
Whatever it is, it was there from the start.
It happened almost suddenly, I admit
Possibly the very moment you approached
Didn't take long at all before I was hit
And my curiosity you alone provoked.
Could this be love, or something less?
I'm more than willing to risk it all
With you I don't feel like I have to guess
I know you'd answer my call.

Not Needed

You don't have to tell me that I'm pretty~
I knew that all along.
You don't have to say that I make you smile~
I do that for myself.
You don't have to tell me that I'm special~
I was born that way.
You don't have to say that I'm all you need~
I'm enough for myself.
You don't have to tell me that you love me~
I love me.
You don't have to say that I mean the world to you~
I know I never will...

My Kind

The past few days, I've been thinking a lot about something that was said to me. I was told that I needed to stick with my own kind.  Naturally, I took the comment offensively coming from someone of  a different race.  Even more offensively was the fact this came from someone that I thought actually gave a damn about my feelings.  Well, after careful consideration of the context of this particular conversation that took place weeks ago, I can only wonder what my kind is.  Since it has been on my mind so much lately, I came up with a few things that this person could have been referring to, aside from the obvious.  It made me feel a little bit better considering the fact that I never considered myself to be some foreign alien species.  In no certain order, here goes...






My KIND:


attractive
bold 
assertive
outgoing
bright
daring
healthy
happy 
mommy
Christian
well-spoken
outspoken
brave
honest
independent
intelligent
open-minded
hopeful
persistent
trustworthy
dependable 
opinionated
HUMAN


So, how about that?

Flawed Me

I really can't apologize for not living up to the expectations of others. I can only be who I am. I can't ask anyone to ignore my many flaws. I can only ask that my flaws are accepted, only if I am considered worthy of acceptance. I can't expect everyone to understand me. I can't expect everyone to appreciate me. I can't expect anyone to acknowledge me. I don't expect anyone to want to spend an eternity with me...Just when I think I may be worth the investment, I'm reminded of who I really am: __________. Fill in the blank.

Distance as a Guard

I just woke up with the realization that I probably come off as a distant person.  The sad thing is that it's not intentional.  This came from several attempts at putting myself out there, and ending up disappointed in the end.  I don't want to put it all on the line, and receive that heart-break that so often follows.  From my experience, it seems to be that when someone knows how important he or she really is to you, the next step is to push you to your limit to find out just how much he or she means.  This person truly believes that you can't live without his or her presence in your life.  I promised myself that I would never give that impression again because ultimately two people end up disappointed- myself for wasting my time, and that individual because I'll only take so much.  If I leave with nothing else, I'll leave with my sanity and self-respect.

Whatever

Because so so many people have hangups when it comes to being brutally honest, I wish there was some sort of meter that could be read on every individual's head to show how frustrated they actually are. I junk this would be more useful than we realize. Suppose you're hanging with your boyfriend/girlfriend, and they look only a little frustrated with you. Well, in actuality, they're downright sick of you, and just don't know how to tell you without hurting your feelings. If only they had some type of meter, you would be able to stop complaining about your experiences at work, or your sister's boyfriend, and immediately stop rambling before they get up and walk away without saying a word. I'm just saying...

My Industrial Piercing

While I do appreciate gradual change, from my experiences, so many good things have come to me as a result of abrupt decision making.  I can think of quite a few things, but I'll touch on that later.  What is pressing at this moment is my decision to get an industrial piercing.  Wow, me and my rash decisions! 

I remember a few months ago, walking into what must be my favorite tattoo shop (as this is the third service they've provided for me), and speaking with this guy about the piercing that I thought would make me look so much better with my new hair style.  He explained the healing process, how to properly care for the piercing and exactly what I was not to do as a means of properly healing.  With that, he conveniently included an instruction sheet and two small bags of sea salt for cleaning.  I left the tattoo shop feeling like a new person that day, with absolutely no pain at all. 

Days go by and I'm looking good with my new hairstyle, new piercing, new look all together.  Then, I begin to notice a small bump on one of the piercing sites.  No good at all!!!  Along with the bump, I'm also unable to rotate the piercing as freely as I had been.  So  what's the problem?  Because I've got several ear piercings, and a few tattoos, I knew there was absolutely no way I could have a keloid.  Well, with that in mind, I quickly referred to my best friend, Google.  I then found out that the same thing had happened to many people.  FYI: My best friend rarely lets me down.  Well, next I found out how to care for it, and then what may have caused it.  This is where it gets interesting.  I found out that the bump, called a hypertrophic scar, could be caused by not properly cleaning the piercing or trauma.  Well, there was no doubt that I was cleaning the piercing properly, it only required sea salt soaks.  But I could not think of a single time that my ear had received some type of trauma.  Well, after about a week of this new process added to my cleaning routine, that including a lot of burning, it finally hit me:  I sleep on my side, the side that I got the piercing on!  No problem, I'll just sleep on my left side instead...Well, unfortunately that didn't work.  So how about my back?  This worked out so much better.  In fact, with the extra treatment process, the bump went away fairly quickly.  So, with that said, why am I making such a big deal out of this now?  I have discovered that it is absolutely impossible for me to sleep on my back, or any other way without waking up on my comfortable left side.  Unfortunately for me, my discovery came with a price: another hideous bump!!!

My sad ear.

Well...

Let me rethink that last post...

As of right now

I gave away my heart, despite the fact that I said I'd never do it again.

I fell for someone almost instantly, and can't explain how it all began.

He takes my breath away without even knowing.

He makes me feel...

When I'm around him it's as if I'm glowing,

He makes me feel...
hmm...

He makes me think...
better yet,
He makes me KNOW...
That I'm in LOVE!

...to be continued...


<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

My True Thoughts

Although I've been writing for years, until now I've mostly kept my private thoughts private.  I'd learned of the concept of blogging some time ago, but never really had an interest in sharing any of my thoughts.  I think somewhere deep down I knew that my decision to create a blog was based solely on the recent changes in my life.  I look around now and I know that my life will never be the same.  Truthfully, I was never this very happy person to begin with, but I was able to pretend.  When I'd go to my mom's house, I knew that was my home.  I knew that no matter what types of drama had occurred there, or anywhere in the world, that was my place of comfort. 

Now that home is no longer home, and remains standing as a piece of man-made material that was ripped thru so suddenly by a tornado, all I can think is WOW.  I think about that day so much, trying to understand why I would leave my family to go to work, when I should've been there with them.  I think about how things could've turned out.  I think about how my presence could've somehow made a difference. Every part of me selfishly wishes that I had been at home with my family to share this burden with them.  I feel like someone standing from the outside looking in, and that hurts more than I can even describe.  

My son has always been somewhat of a worrier, but now he's concerned by the sound of a train going by.  He cries to see the destruction that we must sometimes pass by just to get to our destination, and he no longer acts like an innocent child.  I feel like now he knows something that no child should ever know.  Just to hear him say the word tornado almost makes me cry.  And each time the word comes from his mouth, you can see the tears swelling in his eyes. I don't understand how to react.  I don't know that there is something I can say to make him feel more at ease. 

Tonight, my brother and I went outside and he got sick to his stomach and had to immediately come back in because he said that the air smelled just as it did following the tornado.  Is there anything that I can say behind that?  All that I know is that I wish I could have been there in the place of my entire family because they didn't deserve this.

Changes

Although some people think that I've changed who I am, I don't agree at all. I think that what is happening is exactly what is meant to happen. I'm growing wiser, stronger, and less tolerant. I look at the idea of life as many people do: LIFE is entirely too short to be unhappy, and worried with what others think of you. Yes, I may have changed, but who doesn't? Yes, you may not like the changes that I've made, but who says your opinion matters? Yes, I may do things a little bit differently than I have done them before, but who says that I'm doing them wrong? I'm not certain that the decisions that I make on the daily basis are always right, but I am certain that I will stand by them. I do, and will continue to do, what I feel I should at the time.

Hump Day

This really doesn't feel like Wednesday. I'm thinking maybe it's the fact that I was written up at work on Monday, but received accolades on Tuesday.  Well, I must be doing something right!  Then by Tuesday evening, I was sitting in the family's first counseling session following the tornado.  My feelings are, although I wasn't in the house with my family while they were in a state of turmoil, my heart was there.  Since then, I've been thinking about everything that I could've lost that day- my son, my mom, and my brother.  But to hear my mom and brother actually say that they thought they were going to die that day really did something to me.  Prior to the counseling session, I'm sure that somewhere inside of me I knew they felt that way, but to actually hear them say that really did something to me.  I can't even begin to explain how I feel.  And now, on Wednesday, my son's graduating from K5!  Very interesting week thus far...

Some things aren't meant to be understood

Now, at what I consider to be the ideal age, 25, I finally understand what my mother has attempted to drill into my head--I don't have to try to understand everything, and everyone!  I know, I know, most people may have grasped that idea some time ago, but for whatever reason, I'm a little late to catch on.  I'm the type of person that digs and digs until something surfaces.  Someone has a problem, I have to know why!  Something doesn't turn out the way I planned, I have to get to the bottom of it and find out why!  It's just who I am I guess.  But does that really make me a bad person?  Of course it doesn't, but maybe a tad bit inquisitive :)  Sure, many people think that I asks too many questions.  In my opinion, most of us don't ask enough questions.  Had more questions been asked, many of us may have avoided negative situations.  But back to the subject at hand!  I get it mom, I'll never understand everything, and everyone's actions, but I'm not absolutely certain that I won't try.

Just waking up!

It's official, I'm a BLOGGER!  I'm going to communicate to you all daily, maybe even by the minute, seriously!  My randomness may be a ramble, but it's who I am!  Enjoy!!!