My True Thoughts

Although I've been writing for years, until now I've mostly kept my private thoughts private.  I'd learned of the concept of blogging some time ago, but never really had an interest in sharing any of my thoughts.  I think somewhere deep down I knew that my decision to create a blog was based solely on the recent changes in my life.  I look around now and I know that my life will never be the same.  Truthfully, I was never this very happy person to begin with, but I was able to pretend.  When I'd go to my mom's house, I knew that was my home.  I knew that no matter what types of drama had occurred there, or anywhere in the world, that was my place of comfort. 

Now that home is no longer home, and remains standing as a piece of man-made material that was ripped thru so suddenly by a tornado, all I can think is WOW.  I think about that day so much, trying to understand why I would leave my family to go to work, when I should've been there with them.  I think about how things could've turned out.  I think about how my presence could've somehow made a difference. Every part of me selfishly wishes that I had been at home with my family to share this burden with them.  I feel like someone standing from the outside looking in, and that hurts more than I can even describe.  

My son has always been somewhat of a worrier, but now he's concerned by the sound of a train going by.  He cries to see the destruction that we must sometimes pass by just to get to our destination, and he no longer acts like an innocent child.  I feel like now he knows something that no child should ever know.  Just to hear him say the word tornado almost makes me cry.  And each time the word comes from his mouth, you can see the tears swelling in his eyes. I don't understand how to react.  I don't know that there is something I can say to make him feel more at ease. 

Tonight, my brother and I went outside and he got sick to his stomach and had to immediately come back in because he said that the air smelled just as it did following the tornado.  Is there anything that I can say behind that?  All that I know is that I wish I could have been there in the place of my entire family because they didn't deserve this.