My True Thoughts

Although I've been writing for years, until now I've mostly kept my private thoughts private.  I'd learned of the concept of blogging some time ago, but never really had an interest in sharing any of my thoughts.  I think somewhere deep down I knew that my decision to create a blog was based solely on the recent changes in my life.  I look around now and I know that my life will never be the same.  Truthfully, I was never this very happy person to begin with, but I was able to pretend.  When I'd go to my mom's house, I knew that was my home.  I knew that no matter what types of drama had occurred there, or anywhere in the world, that was my place of comfort. 

Now that home is no longer home, and remains standing as a piece of man-made material that was ripped thru so suddenly by a tornado, all I can think is WOW.  I think about that day so much, trying to understand why I would leave my family to go to work, when I should've been there with them.  I think about how things could've turned out.  I think about how my presence could've somehow made a difference. Every part of me selfishly wishes that I had been at home with my family to share this burden with them.  I feel like someone standing from the outside looking in, and that hurts more than I can even describe.  

My son has always been somewhat of a worrier, but now he's concerned by the sound of a train going by.  He cries to see the destruction that we must sometimes pass by just to get to our destination, and he no longer acts like an innocent child.  I feel like now he knows something that no child should ever know.  Just to hear him say the word tornado almost makes me cry.  And each time the word comes from his mouth, you can see the tears swelling in his eyes. I don't understand how to react.  I don't know that there is something I can say to make him feel more at ease. 

Tonight, my brother and I went outside and he got sick to his stomach and had to immediately come back in because he said that the air smelled just as it did following the tornado.  Is there anything that I can say behind that?  All that I know is that I wish I could have been there in the place of my entire family because they didn't deserve this.

Changes

Although some people think that I've changed who I am, I don't agree at all. I think that what is happening is exactly what is meant to happen. I'm growing wiser, stronger, and less tolerant. I look at the idea of life as many people do: LIFE is entirely too short to be unhappy, and worried with what others think of you. Yes, I may have changed, but who doesn't? Yes, you may not like the changes that I've made, but who says your opinion matters? Yes, I may do things a little bit differently than I have done them before, but who says that I'm doing them wrong? I'm not certain that the decisions that I make on the daily basis are always right, but I am certain that I will stand by them. I do, and will continue to do, what I feel I should at the time.

Hump Day

This really doesn't feel like Wednesday. I'm thinking maybe it's the fact that I was written up at work on Monday, but received accolades on Tuesday.  Well, I must be doing something right!  Then by Tuesday evening, I was sitting in the family's first counseling session following the tornado.  My feelings are, although I wasn't in the house with my family while they were in a state of turmoil, my heart was there.  Since then, I've been thinking about everything that I could've lost that day- my son, my mom, and my brother.  But to hear my mom and brother actually say that they thought they were going to die that day really did something to me.  Prior to the counseling session, I'm sure that somewhere inside of me I knew they felt that way, but to actually hear them say that really did something to me.  I can't even begin to explain how I feel.  And now, on Wednesday, my son's graduating from K5!  Very interesting week thus far...

Some things aren't meant to be understood

Now, at what I consider to be the ideal age, 25, I finally understand what my mother has attempted to drill into my head--I don't have to try to understand everything, and everyone!  I know, I know, most people may have grasped that idea some time ago, but for whatever reason, I'm a little late to catch on.  I'm the type of person that digs and digs until something surfaces.  Someone has a problem, I have to know why!  Something doesn't turn out the way I planned, I have to get to the bottom of it and find out why!  It's just who I am I guess.  But does that really make me a bad person?  Of course it doesn't, but maybe a tad bit inquisitive :)  Sure, many people think that I asks too many questions.  In my opinion, most of us don't ask enough questions.  Had more questions been asked, many of us may have avoided negative situations.  But back to the subject at hand!  I get it mom, I'll never understand everything, and everyone's actions, but I'm not absolutely certain that I won't try.

Just waking up!

It's official, I'm a BLOGGER!  I'm going to communicate to you all daily, maybe even by the minute, seriously!  My randomness may be a ramble, but it's who I am!  Enjoy!!!